Show Me Some Love!

When I started my current job back in March of 2009, I had to participate in many trainings. Some had to do with safety on the job, how to fill out paperwork and all other kinds of skills that are pertinent to my line of work. I particularly remember one training in which the purpose of it was to foster a sense of caring and affection between coworkers. We had to hold hands, sing and be completely honest and truthful with one another about various topics. In my training there were five people and I didn't know any of them and they didn't know me. We were all new to the company and trying to establish how we fit in. At the end of the training, there was an exercise where all of us had to embrace one another and hug. I had a big problem with this. As I mentioned, I didn't know these people and the instructor was telling me that I had to hug everyone in the training. I didn't know about everyone else, but it wasn't going to happen with me. I raised my hand and I told the instructor that I would sit out of this exercise. I could tell that she became annoyed but then she said, "fine". So, I went along with the rest of the exercise but when it came time to hug, I didn't. I could sense the instructors irritation with me but I didn't care.
Now, fast forward about eight months. I'm sitting in the office and a coworker that I have gotten to know closely, who was in that training with me came over to talk to me. I got up, extended my arms and we hugged. Then I hear, "Excuse me? YOU are giving someone a hug?" This was said from a male coworker who was also in the training with me and seemed to take offense that I refused to hug him. When he said that statement, I turned around and told him that my hugs are reserved for people I feel comfortable with and who I have established a relationship or bond. He immediately became embarrassed and said, "I know, I know...I was just joking." I could tell that he was not joking by the way he presented his thoughts.
I take hugging to be a form of intimacy. My body is pressed against another persons and we are exchanging a form of affection. Just like kissing, this display of love is not for everyone. I am very careful with who I give my heart to and I don't take it lightly. Hugs to me are sacred. If I hug you upon meeting you or leaving that means that I value a part of you and that I have made some connection with you in a way. In that training, I didn't have a connection with any of those people.
I always become bothered when I meet parents who force their children to hug strangers upon meeting them. If a child doesn't feel comfortable with hugging someone, why force them? Maybe it's their own internal sense of intuition telling them that a certain person doesn't feel safe to them and they need to back away. Hugging isn't for everyone. It's an expression of love and I am very careful about who I choose to be around me and who I love. Many people have an issue with this idea but that's not my problem, it's theirs.

Mirror Mirror On the Wall...

I recently went to my dermatologist after about six months of not going. When I got into the office I was greeted by her friendly staff, opened my book and sat down. After being soothed by the jazz music playing in her waiting area, my name was called. I was escorted to my room by her assistant, Deniece who is always kind and pleasant to me. When I got to the examination room, Deniece looked at me and says, "It is so nice to see you. Its been a long time but you still look good, no wrinkles or anything!" I paused and put down my zen-like book to reflect on her last sentence. Ummm...I'm in my early 30's, am I supposed to have wrinkles? And what exactly did she mean by I "still" look good?
I remember an episode on The Cosby Show (yes, I'm talking about it again) when Claire was turning 46 and people kept telling her she "still" looked good. She became irritated by this statement and now I understand why. I am far from 46 and I'm already getting these comments. I have always loved birthdays and I am enchanted with the idea of getting older but if I have to hear this type of nonsense I may become a bitter old lady. Imagine walking into a dentist office at my age and the hygienist going, "Wow...you still have your own teeth?" (Insert puzzled face here.)
Anyway, I graciously accepted her comment and moved on with my day but I just thought it was a funny thing for her to say. I just took it as though my dermatologist, who I call "The Wizard" is doing her job well. That's my positive spin on this story and I'm sticking to it. I will keep you posted on the impending deterioration of my face as time goes on. Stay tuned...

Here We Go 'Round the Mulberry Bush...

I am a huge fan of the Cosby Show. I can name all the kids and even their friends. Sometimes all I need to see are the opening credits and I can tell you, just by the scene that is displayed in the beginning of the sitcom which episode is about to be shown. I learned a lot from that show and I particularly loved Claire Huxtable. She had five kids and was a successful attorney, mother and wife. Those are just some of the responsibilities that Claire had in her life. Although the show did attempt to show Claire as a real woman who becomes overwhelmed at times, I sometimes sit back and think about some of the real people I know and how their lives compare to hers. I'm particularly talking about how Claire was able to balance all of the demands of her life and still maintain a thriving career.
I have a friend/coworker who I have known for almost 12 years. When we first met she was newly married and was planning on having a family. When her daughter was born she decided to stop working and be a stay at home mom. She ended up staying home for six years and had another child during that time. Due to the economy she had to begin working again last year in order to bring more money into her household.
When I first met my friend, she was in her late 20s and held a management position at a local organization. I admired her intelligence and quick decision making skills. She seemed to handle any situation with great aplomb and was good at encouraging others to do well. At my current job we are colleagues and work closely together when needed. I have noticed a significant change in the way she handles herself in meetings and when confronted with a difficult work issue. Instead of being self assured and confident, she becomes frazzled and easily frustrated. It is as if she is having difficulty handling the stressors of being a professional. After watching her behavior for a while, I asked her one day how she became so timid in her approach to work. She acknowledged her personality change and stated that being a stay at home mom has made it difficult for her to readjust and get used to the working world. I actually didn't know what to say. I'm not a mother, I'm not married and I don't know what it's like to rejoin the workforce after years of being separated from it. I am constantly on my grind so she was speaking a foreign language to me. What did happen inside of my brain was a brief moment of fear. Actually it wasn't brief because I'm still thinking about it today.
I remember watching Sex and the City and during Season 4, Charlotte decided to stop working because she got married and wanted to start a family. Samantha tells her to be "damn sure when she gets off the Ferris wheel because the women waiting to get on are 22, perky and ruthless." That scene just kept going through my mind over and over again. Ideally, when I have kids I would love to stop working for a year or two and devote all of my time to them but if it means becoming an eggshell, I'll pass. I have worked too hard for my education and I have been through too many professional ups and downs not to get something from my career. I try to remain intellectually focused and I don't want to take 10 steps back professionally because I got married and had kids. I am sure that this is a struggle that many women have in their lives but it makes me more determined to shape the life I want. Do I think that a woman can have a satisfying professional and personal life? Yes, I do. Life won't be balanced and perfect and it will need to be adjusted at times but I believe it can be done. Claire Huxtable stayed on the Ferris wheel and so will I.
My observation of my coworker served to reinforce my own ideas about myself and what I want to do in my life. I know plenty of women who have left the workforce and returned just as strong as they were before if not stronger. My sister is a stay at home mother and I know at some point she will return to the working world with a vengeance too. I am supportive of my friend and her professional and personal decisions. I know that everyone has a different path. I also applaud her for her honesty regarding her approach to work and I hope that she can find whatever balance she is looking for as well.

This Christmas

This Christmas was definitely one to remember. Aside from 2009 not being a very pleasurable year for me, this was also one of the most budget conscious Christmases I've had in years. Not like I'm rolling in dough but I usually don't have to resort to robbing Peter to pay Paul in order to purchase gifts for my loved ones. With that being said, I went into this Christmas season with a bit of unease about not being able to spend money lavishly on my family. I felt this way until I spoke with my friend LaKeita, who is a newlywed and a new mom.
We were discussing our lack of funds this year and she shared her perspective on giving gifts to her husband this holiday. She explained that due to not being able to shower him with tons of gifts, it made her focus more on the quality of the gifts she gave to him. She really worked hard to find useful gifts that would mean a lot to him. As she was saying this, I realized that I did the same thing. Instead of purchasing meaningless items of clothing, I used my creativity to come up with gifts that I thought would strike a chord with my family members. I had pictures enlarged and bought things for my nieces that I enjoyed when I was a child. To my surprise when my nieces opened their gifts, they paid no attention to the clothing I purchased for them but rather went to the kitchen table and began to use the arts and crafts materials I purchased instead.
As I was talking to my friend, I also realized that even though I have had a difficult year personally, I have tried my best to still be a good friend, daughter, sister, coworker etc. that I can be to the people I know. I think I managed to do that in some way this year and that makes me feel good.
It sounds cliche but Christmas really isn't about gifts. It is about love and celebrating the birth of Christ. While I go into 2010, I will remember what I have learned and I will practice this daily. Love is what matters most and I will try my best to continue to be the loving person that I know I can be.

Excuse Me??

Last week while at the hair salon sitting under the dryer, I was watching the Oprah Winfrey Show. On this particular episode she was interviewing Robin Givens, who is the ex-wife of heavy weight champion Mike Tyson. During this show, Robin Givens was upset because Oprah Winfrey did not speak up for battered women when Mike Tyson made a reference to wanting to "sock" Robin Givens when discussing their infamous interview with Barbara Walters in the late 80's. Just when Robin Givens began to cry, the woman at the dryer next to me stated, "You know she is a professional actress." I turned my head and said, "Excuse me?" The woman then stated, "She gets paid to act." I then asked her is she didn't believe that Robin Givens was telling the truth. She replied, "I'm not saying I don't believe her, I'm just saying that she is an actress." She then got up and walked away.
In that moment, I had a mix of emotions shoot through me. One emotion was confusion because I hate when people don't clearly state what they mean. She had the opportunity to say yes or no to my question. Either you believe Robin Givens or you don't. Another emotion was anger. I'm not so sure why I became angry but I am going to try to explore it a little. I actually think that when the woman next to me made that statement it was very hateful. It was said with a bit of sarcasm and the look on her face and her body language was that of someone who thinks she has the right to judge other people. I couldn't help but wonder if what she said came out of a place of self-hatred. I cannot imagine having a woman tell me that she has been abused and I not provide her with emotional support. I give every woman the benefit of the doubt because I don't know for sure what they have been through in their relationships. I find that woman's comment to be one of the major contributing factors for why some women get stuck in abusive relationships. The factor is that people don't believe them when they are reaching out for help. I am not an expert on domestic abuse but I am quite sure that for a woman to tell someone about what is happening to her and to then have that person judge her situation, it can be a matter of life and death. She may never share this information with anyone else and risk staying in that abusive relationship for fear that no one will believe her.
I have a part time job doing mental health therapy with young women. None of my clients at this time are over eighteen years old but 2 out of 3 of them have experienced traumatic verbal and physical abuse at the hands of various men in their lives. My job is to guide them and to let them know that they have a safe place to come and share their stories. I also provide them with emotional support to assist them in dealing with the problems from their pasts. I believe them when they tell me their stories because for so long no one listened to them. It makes my heart ache when individuals who have no compassion for others make comments like the one woman made at the salon. I don't know who else heard her and who may now adopt the same attitude about domestic abuse. All I can do at this point is remain supportive and be an advocate for women who are abused. At some point as women we have to learn to be supportive of each other. I hope that time comes sooner rather than later.

A Different World

Last weekend I had the privilege of attending a beautiful wedding in New Orleans, Louisiana. One of my closest friends was in the wedding and everything was great including the weather which reached a beautiful high of 80 degrees that day. The couple that got married both attended a historically black college/university (HBCU) and went on to obtain advanced degrees at other highly respected institutions. The bride is a member of a sorority and the groom is a member of a fraternity, which both hold prominent places within the black community. Towards the end of the reception, the groom and his groomsmen began to pay tribute to their fraternity by singing songs and performing a mini-step show. It was fun watching them and feeling their energy and it gave me a warm feeling inside and reminded me of my college days.
Like the bride and groom, I also attended a historically black university. It is rare that I am invited to weddings where almost the whole wedding party and most of the guests have gone to an HBCU. The feeling was remarkable and inspiring and made me once again appreciate the decision I made to attend my university. I see it as a blessing to be a part of a community of people who share the commonality of attending an HBCU. We all remember the struggles and the strengths of our college days and have similar stories to share about our schools. For the most part, I think that people who have never attended a historically black college or university frown upon the idea and cannot completely grasp the pride that a person has when talking about the specific HBCU they attended. My heart goes out to individuals who have never experienced life at an HBCU because it appears as if they missed out on a tremendous growth opportunity. I really recognized this when I attended graduate school at a predominantly white university and began to meet black undergraduate students who seemed very lost and out of touch with themselves. The one thing I know for sure about attending an HBCU is that it instills in its students a sense of pride about being black that other colleges/universities are not able to do. It is also very comforting to look out on a campus and see reflections of yourself and to meet other people who share some of your same values.
At times, I take my college life for granted and forget what an enriching experience it was on certain levels. I am always grateful when I get good reminders of my past and when I can do a little reflecting about my college days. The wedding I attended provided me with the opportunity of witnessing two people in love make a life long commitment. It also served to remind me of what a lucky person I am to have had the wonderful experiences I have had so far in life. God has blessed me in many ways and making me attend an HBCU was just one way in which He has shown His love for me. There were many schools and many paths that I could have chosen when I was younger. I am grateful that my path crossed with certain individuals and certain schools and I look forward to better and more abundant journeys in the future.

The End Of An Era

About two months ago I wrote a post about Facebook and the lack of intimacy that it provides between individuals. Well, I finally got tired of Facebook and decided to end my relationship with all social networking websites. I just simply became annoyed with all of the nonsense. It was great seeing old classmates and finding people I grew up with in my neighborhood but outside of those moments, I didn't enjoy it much. To be quite honest, I actually found it to be an invasion of my privacy. For those people who do not know me well, I am a VERY private person. I don't share the details of my personal life with many people so for me to be so easily accessible was bothersome. I know I'm not Angelina Jolie or Halle Berry but I do believe that maintaining a certain level of privacy for myself is important. I didn't like the fact that people could look at my pictures and view conversations that I was having with other people. It leaves room for too much interpretation and with my sense of humor, people who do not know me can easily misinterpret what I say.
I also found myself being a bit more intrusive in other people's lives as well. I would get home from work and instead of sitting down and reading a book, I would turn the computer on and immediately begin to shuffle through other people's random vacation pictures, party pics and more. Its not like I'm not interested in what other people are doing in their lives, I just don't think I need to be consumed with it for two hours out of the day. I have literally sat down at 5pm, started looking at Facebook and before I knew it the clock was reading 7pm. That was when I knew I had a problem. I was so involved in other people's lives that I was neglecting my own.
Another big issue for me is that some of the people who were popping up on Facebook were people who I didn't care to know any longer. I am a firm believer that not everyone belongs in my life. When I closed my account, there were many friend requests "pending" and I am so thankful that they will remain in that "pending" area of my life. The fact that I have to keep someone "pending" to be my "friend" speaks volumes to me. Anyway, as I have stated in many of my blogs, I am experiencing a tremendous growth spurt in my life and Facebook was not helping me to focus on myself. I think it did just the opposite and hindered my growth. Now I can come home, read a book and get back to my normally peaceful state of mind. This may not mean a lot to other people, but it means a lot to me. Either way it doesn't matter if others understand it or not. I just know that I feel so much better.