Do Unto Others

I was speaking with a good friend of mine today and we had a lengthy discussion about various topics. I like speaking with this friend because I always walk away feeling more purposeful and strengthened after our conversations. At one particular moment during our talk the proverbial light bulb went off in my head which provided me with a lot of clarity pertaining to one of my patterns of behavior.
Someone I know is struggling with a life issue. This struggle has been going on for many years and the person seems like they are in a lot of despair about it. In my relationships with many people, I try to serve as a support system. I listen to their issues and try to problem solve with them and help them see how they can possibly make situations better. With this particular person I have tried to offer encouragement, resources and have even offered my own time to try and assist in any way I can. Every time I offer something, this person responds with an endless string of negative and sarcastic remarks. Deep inside I know that these responses are a part of this person's defense mechanisms but I'm a little annoyed.
This person asks me for help and then doesn't want to accept any guidance. My question is: why complain? I think the remarks that I receive in return for my suggestions are quite insulting but as I mentioned earlier during my conversation today the solution hit me: I need to stop offering guidance and advice to this individual. Its obvious that the person wants to complain but does not really want to accept help at this time and to be honest, I don't need this shit right now. I have my own life to live and I have my own goals I'm going to reach. The energy that I am pouring into this person is not doing me any good. After a year of encouragement, if this individual can't change their negative thinking, there is nothing more I can do to help. I have mentioned in posts before that I am tired. I am also tired of people wasting my time.
So with that being said, I have decided to take that 10% of energy that I was focusing on that person and redirect it to myself. I try to follow the golden rule and I try to provide stability and support for those who I think need it. Unfortunately, if someone insists on being negative I have to back away because eventually their negativity will rub off on me and like I said before I don't need this shit right now.

Switch!

As mentioned yesterday in my post I have been getting the answers to a lot of the questions I have been asking for a while. One of my main concerns has been in the area of my career. When I was in my early to mid 20s I was very satisfied with my career path. I was helping people, which I know is one of my strengths and I was getting great employment opportunities. I met people from all walks of life when I attended graduate school and formed bonds and friendships that I know will last me for a lifetime. Over the past three years, I have had a very unsettling feeling about my career and what I was doing. I began to lose the passion for my field and I felt as though I was reaching the proverbial glass ceiling that people discuss. Every job I had seemed dead end and none of my coworkers were really invested in their jobs. I tried every which way I could to reinvent and reclaim the feeling I first had when I began doing social work but for some reason, I just couldn't.

I had a challenging experience occur in April which made me very frustrated and disappointed with my career. It forced me to take a look at what I was doing and why I wasn't as happy as I normally was in my work and life in general. I finally came to the conclusion that I need to make a total career change. When I came to this realization, I was sad and upset. I have invested many years in learning how to effectively help disadvantaged people and assist people in living better lives and now I have to give it up. I know most people will look at this and think that I am making the choice to give it up but I'm not. I feel absolutely compelled to get out of my current field and move on to something else and focus on my wants and desires. I have been searching for satisfaction and happiness and I have known for the past two years that I have not been happy doing what I was trained to do. I am currently in the process of making the transition but I will tell you that I am bored at my current job. I am helping people but the job itself is boring and borderline torturous. I feel no sense of accomplishment and my coworkers do not make life any better for me. That's why I've decided to go into the field of creative arts. Even writing that sentence makes me feel better. I know that I will be doing something that I love and that it sure to bring me some form of happiness.

The only conflict I have with this decision is the fact that I am a damn good social worker and I see the world differently from others. The only positive aspect I get from this career change is that at some point my two worlds will collide and I will be able to combine my art with social justice issues. I always felt that my degree in social work wasn't so much as a career but an obligation/calling from God. I have to do it because on a certain spiritual level it makes me feel good. So, all I can say is that I hope my new direction in creative arts helps people and myself to view the world differently. I am extremely excited about starting this new chapter in my life and I know that it will be fabulous. I know I will meet many beautiful people on my journey who will assist me in helping me to getting where I want and belong in my life. I know I will help them too!

Gratitude

It's been a long time since I've blogged and unfortunately I do not have a lot to offer right now. A good friend of mine yesterday asked me if I was still blogging and I had to admit to her that I wasn't. So, I decided that I should keep writing. A lot has transpired in my life over the past 3 months but not all can be shared on a blog. I will only say that I have had a lot of ups and downs but I will share with you what has been pressing on my heart for a while.
In April I got tired. Just plain old tired. I was tired of my job, tired of feeling confused and tired of praying. Yup. I said it. I got tired of praying. Ever since I was about 9 years old, I always knew that I had a very deep connection with God and all things spiritual. I have relied on my faith and intuition for everything and I never took a fall because of my trust in God. I will say that over the past two years I have been tested in all areas of my life including my faith. This was the first time that I felt as if no one really heard me and I was drowning. I cannot explain what I felt but my closest description would have to be despair. I prayed for balance in many aspects of my existence but I wasn't seeing it. In the past when I asked for something from God, it seems as though it was delivered the next day.
Every morning for the past maybe 10 years I have meditated and prayed when I get out of my bed. Just to say thank you to God and place a blessing over my day and my life as a whole. In April, I decided to stop. I concluded that praying and asking wasn't helping me anyway, so why waste the energy. I discussed this with many friends and I got words of encouragement but nothing anyone said could change my mind. The days in April went on and nothing changed. My days seemed the same and I just went on without praying. I occasionally would say my regular, "Thank you, God" when something occurred that was a blessing in my eyes but other than that, I shut the whole spirituality thing down.
Then one morning I got up and looked out of my bedroom door and saw my living room. On my living room table is a picture of my Dad holding my youngest niece. When I saw this picture and looked at the rest of my surroundings, a feeling of gratitude swept across me and made me think about a lot. I thought, "Wow, look at this. My life is pretty sweet." I have a lot of friends and family who love me, I have a place to live with beautiful surroundings and I have my health. I began to look at everything this way. When I was driving to work that day , I realized that I have been in terrible work situations before but I got out of them and moved onto better things. I decided that I may not be able to change my work situation immediately but I do have the ability to change my outlook on it. I don't have to be sucked into my coworkers negativity because that place is only but a fraction of my life and this experience will pass. It seemed as though my whole disposition had changed in the blink of an eye and I was grateful. I was GRATEFUL.
What I came to realize is that during that moment of "I don't care what happens" I was surrendering. When my back was up against the wall, I decided to buckle down and pray harder. What I didn't do was let go and allow God to work it out for me. I was trying to supervise and tell Him what He was doing right and mostly what He was doing wrong. I was trying to control everything instead of just relaxing and trusting. That's what despair will do to you, I guess. I have never been the kind of person who is fearful of anyone or anything but I did fear that He wasn't hearing me and I became annoyed. So when I decided that I would hurt God by not acknowledging Him anymore, I ended up learning an even bigger lesson about life. I needed to sit back and let Him take control. All I have to do is ask for what I want and He works on delivering it to me. All I have is one job and He does the rest. Is life really that simple? I'm starting to think it is because ever since that day, I have been getting the answers to a lot of the questions that I have been asking for over two years. I have been gaining clarity on a lot of things whereas I couldn't see clearly before.
I hope that this post makes sense to someone because I am trying to convey a message that seems difficult to explain as I am writing. All I know is that I am back to praying, meditating and reading about spirituality and I see things looking up. God is good and He wants me to have the desires of my heart. He wants that for all of us. He wants us to have abundance. We just have to remain faithful and most of all thankful through the good times and the bad.

Click

When I was in my 20s, my mother owned an ice cream store. I was not sure what drove her to open this store but she has always had an entrepreneurial spirit so I never really questioned it. I know that she likes the idea of owning her own business and seeing how far she can push herself. I used to help out at the store from time to time and many colorful characters would stop by and we would hold conversations about many interesting topics. One day a patron came by to chat and she began to talk about the humanitarian work that she was currently doing and her travels to her homeland of Chad. At that time, I was still trying to focus in on my career and what I wanted to do with my profession. During her conversation with me she stopped and said, "What is your passion?" For the life of me I couldn't figure out what my passion was at the time. I think about her and the question she asked very often because I believe she assisted me in changing the way I make decisions in my every day life.
I am a woman who has many passions. I love being in love and I am very passionate about my romantic relationships and friendships. I am passionate about my own humanitarian efforts, about children and education. I would like to end sex trafficking and child prostitution and I don't like fur. When I thought of being passionate, those were usually the topics that came to my mind up until about 5 years ago. In my late 20s, I discovered my passion for photography. I didn't so much discover it as I decided to develop it and allow it to flourish. I have always been in love with images and pictures. I can remember being about eleven or twelve years old and riding in the car with my father. I saw a little Asian boy standing on the corner in a street in Baltimore. I can vividly picture his baseball cap, striped shirt and shorts. In my mind at that very moment, I took a picture of him and that image has forever been etched in my mind. I believe that this was my first picture and at that moment, I fell in love with photography but I didn't know it. In high school, I was the girl who had the most pictures and I always had a camera in my hand. This carried over into college where I not only took pictures but because of a generous gift of a camcorder given to me by my parents, I have all 4 years of my college life recorded. I don't know of anyone else who can say that about their college years at that time.
A couple of years back, I decided to enroll into a continuing studies course at a local arts college. My first course was Black and White photography. I had to capture images on film and develop them from scratch. Needless to say, I was hooked. There is something so calming about being in a dark room and developing pictures. I fell in love with the process and my passion was ignited. I remember staying in the darkroom until the lab closed at 12am and feeling torn about having to leave my art to dry overnight at school. I knew I was onto something and I needed to explore what I was feeling.
Over the years, I have maintained the same passion for photography and I try to learn as much as I can from magazines and books. Unfortunately the courses that were being offered at the college were discontinued so I never got the opportunity to learn more in an academic sense. Nevertheless, I always think about the question that the customer asked me over ten years ago. I have many passions and I know now that photography is definitely one of my better ones. If you haven't already asked yourself the same question, I beg you to do so. Better yet, I will ask you:

What is your passion?

Show Me Some Love!

When I started my current job back in March of 2009, I had to participate in many trainings. Some had to do with safety on the job, how to fill out paperwork and all other kinds of skills that are pertinent to my line of work. I particularly remember one training in which the purpose of it was to foster a sense of caring and affection between coworkers. We had to hold hands, sing and be completely honest and truthful with one another about various topics. In my training there were five people and I didn't know any of them and they didn't know me. We were all new to the company and trying to establish how we fit in. At the end of the training, there was an exercise where all of us had to embrace one another and hug. I had a big problem with this. As I mentioned, I didn't know these people and the instructor was telling me that I had to hug everyone in the training. I didn't know about everyone else, but it wasn't going to happen with me. I raised my hand and I told the instructor that I would sit out of this exercise. I could tell that she became annoyed but then she said, "fine". So, I went along with the rest of the exercise but when it came time to hug, I didn't. I could sense the instructors irritation with me but I didn't care.
Now, fast forward about eight months. I'm sitting in the office and a coworker that I have gotten to know closely, who was in that training with me came over to talk to me. I got up, extended my arms and we hugged. Then I hear, "Excuse me? YOU are giving someone a hug?" This was said from a male coworker who was also in the training with me and seemed to take offense that I refused to hug him. When he said that statement, I turned around and told him that my hugs are reserved for people I feel comfortable with and who I have established a relationship or bond. He immediately became embarrassed and said, "I know, I know...I was just joking." I could tell that he was not joking by the way he presented his thoughts.
I take hugging to be a form of intimacy. My body is pressed against another persons and we are exchanging a form of affection. Just like kissing, this display of love is not for everyone. I am very careful with who I give my heart to and I don't take it lightly. Hugs to me are sacred. If I hug you upon meeting you or leaving that means that I value a part of you and that I have made some connection with you in a way. In that training, I didn't have a connection with any of those people.
I always become bothered when I meet parents who force their children to hug strangers upon meeting them. If a child doesn't feel comfortable with hugging someone, why force them? Maybe it's their own internal sense of intuition telling them that a certain person doesn't feel safe to them and they need to back away. Hugging isn't for everyone. It's an expression of love and I am very careful about who I choose to be around me and who I love. Many people have an issue with this idea but that's not my problem, it's theirs.

Mirror Mirror On the Wall...

I recently went to my dermatologist after about six months of not going. When I got into the office I was greeted by her friendly staff, opened my book and sat down. After being soothed by the jazz music playing in her waiting area, my name was called. I was escorted to my room by her assistant, Deniece who is always kind and pleasant to me. When I got to the examination room, Deniece looked at me and says, "It is so nice to see you. Its been a long time but you still look good, no wrinkles or anything!" I paused and put down my zen-like book to reflect on her last sentence. Ummm...I'm in my early 30's, am I supposed to have wrinkles? And what exactly did she mean by I "still" look good?
I remember an episode on The Cosby Show (yes, I'm talking about it again) when Claire was turning 46 and people kept telling her she "still" looked good. She became irritated by this statement and now I understand why. I am far from 46 and I'm already getting these comments. I have always loved birthdays and I am enchanted with the idea of getting older but if I have to hear this type of nonsense I may become a bitter old lady. Imagine walking into a dentist office at my age and the hygienist going, "Wow...you still have your own teeth?" (Insert puzzled face here.)
Anyway, I graciously accepted her comment and moved on with my day but I just thought it was a funny thing for her to say. I just took it as though my dermatologist, who I call "The Wizard" is doing her job well. That's my positive spin on this story and I'm sticking to it. I will keep you posted on the impending deterioration of my face as time goes on. Stay tuned...

Here We Go 'Round the Mulberry Bush...

I am a huge fan of the Cosby Show. I can name all the kids and even their friends. Sometimes all I need to see are the opening credits and I can tell you, just by the scene that is displayed in the beginning of the sitcom which episode is about to be shown. I learned a lot from that show and I particularly loved Claire Huxtable. She had five kids and was a successful attorney, mother and wife. Those are just some of the responsibilities that Claire had in her life. Although the show did attempt to show Claire as a real woman who becomes overwhelmed at times, I sometimes sit back and think about some of the real people I know and how their lives compare to hers. I'm particularly talking about how Claire was able to balance all of the demands of her life and still maintain a thriving career.
I have a friend/coworker who I have known for almost 12 years. When we first met she was newly married and was planning on having a family. When her daughter was born she decided to stop working and be a stay at home mom. She ended up staying home for six years and had another child during that time. Due to the economy she had to begin working again last year in order to bring more money into her household.
When I first met my friend, she was in her late 20s and held a management position at a local organization. I admired her intelligence and quick decision making skills. She seemed to handle any situation with great aplomb and was good at encouraging others to do well. At my current job we are colleagues and work closely together when needed. I have noticed a significant change in the way she handles herself in meetings and when confronted with a difficult work issue. Instead of being self assured and confident, she becomes frazzled and easily frustrated. It is as if she is having difficulty handling the stressors of being a professional. After watching her behavior for a while, I asked her one day how she became so timid in her approach to work. She acknowledged her personality change and stated that being a stay at home mom has made it difficult for her to readjust and get used to the working world. I actually didn't know what to say. I'm not a mother, I'm not married and I don't know what it's like to rejoin the workforce after years of being separated from it. I am constantly on my grind so she was speaking a foreign language to me. What did happen inside of my brain was a brief moment of fear. Actually it wasn't brief because I'm still thinking about it today.
I remember watching Sex and the City and during Season 4, Charlotte decided to stop working because she got married and wanted to start a family. Samantha tells her to be "damn sure when she gets off the Ferris wheel because the women waiting to get on are 22, perky and ruthless." That scene just kept going through my mind over and over again. Ideally, when I have kids I would love to stop working for a year or two and devote all of my time to them but if it means becoming an eggshell, I'll pass. I have worked too hard for my education and I have been through too many professional ups and downs not to get something from my career. I try to remain intellectually focused and I don't want to take 10 steps back professionally because I got married and had kids. I am sure that this is a struggle that many women have in their lives but it makes me more determined to shape the life I want. Do I think that a woman can have a satisfying professional and personal life? Yes, I do. Life won't be balanced and perfect and it will need to be adjusted at times but I believe it can be done. Claire Huxtable stayed on the Ferris wheel and so will I.
My observation of my coworker served to reinforce my own ideas about myself and what I want to do in my life. I know plenty of women who have left the workforce and returned just as strong as they were before if not stronger. My sister is a stay at home mother and I know at some point she will return to the working world with a vengeance too. I am supportive of my friend and her professional and personal decisions. I know that everyone has a different path. I also applaud her for her honesty regarding her approach to work and I hope that she can find whatever balance she is looking for as well.