Ugh.

This week I went grocery shopping and overspent. Ok. The fact that I overspent has nothing to do with this blog topic but I'm still pissed about it. Anyway, I like to cook. Every week, I pick a new recipe and try it out. Sometimes they work and sometimes they don't but I always have to try. This week's recipe was Peppery Fish Chowder. I gathered all of the fresh vegetables and spices needed to make the dish and the recipe called for a "tough fish" such as tuna, halibut or red snapper. So I went to the seafood section and decided to get a pound of red snapper. It sounded like an exciting kind of fish, so I went for it. The man behind the counter held up the fish to show me what he had and to see if I approved. I didn't approve. I'm sure a blank stare came across my face when I saw that piece of fish. His small fish eyes were looking straight at me and his mouth was open as if he was thirsty for some of the vitamin water I had in my cart. I'm sure I must have blinked a couple of times and then I asked the killer- uh I mean the man behind the counter to cut the head and tail off of the fish. He smirked but seemed annoyed at my request. When he was done, I reluctantly took the fish and placed it in my cart.
Today, I decided to cook my chowder. The broth came out spicy and very flavorful. It was so good that I decided that I would take some to my parent's house because I knew my Dad would love it. The recipe instructed me to wait for the last 30 minutes of cooking to place the fish inside of the chowder along with fresh parsley. So I grabbed my fish, unwrapped it and...screamed on the inside. I looked at the fish, which had a beautiful blend of gray, pink and red colored skin and I admired it. I was grateful that the man behind the counter removed the head and tail but when I looked at one end of the fish, the teeth were still in it's mouth. Ugh. I tried to shake off what I was feeling and grabbed a knife. I placed the blade on the fish several times and then I finally went for it. I convinced myself that Anthony Bourdain does this every day so why couldn't I? So, I pressed harder but the knife could not cut the fish. Instead it began to remove the scales one my one and then I discovered that red snapper is actually very bony. There was a huge bone running down the center of the fish. I tried several times to cut through but I ended up chopping the fish into pieces that didn't make any sense. After about 20 minutes of trying to cut the fish, I gave up. My heart couldn't do it and I had to throw it away. I know that someone in another place could have used that fish but I had to get rid of it.
I felt like the other side of my personality stepped in at that moment. I think I may have turned into some fish activist for those 20 minutes. I contemplated looking online to see if there were any groups against red snapper fishing that I could join. I just kept thinking that the fish I was hacking into used to be a beautiful member of the aquatic ecosystem and I was responsible for his demise. I will never attempt to cook red snapper again. I'm not making the decision not to eat fish but I know that hacking into flesh is not for me. I now have a slow cooker full of delicious, spicy sauce and no fish to put in it. Maybe I can add chicken to my dish. At least I know when I buy it, the head won't be attached. I don't think.