Filth.Flarn.Filth.

I don't have many issues in life that I struggle with but there is one habit that I possess which causes me some concern from time to time. Some people smoke cigarettes, other people are obsessed with pornography but my vice is the use of profanity. Don't get me wrong, when I say that I am concerned about it, this doesn't mean that I have the desire to stop. I just wonder if it is wrong. As I stated, I don't abuse my body by injecting it with drugs and I would not qualify myself as having an addictive personality but there is something about using profanity that just feels SO good.
I always tell people that if I could smoke cigarettes, I would do it in a heartbeat. Smokers seem to blow all of the aggravation of the day away when they exhale and that puff of smoke is released. What I wouldn't give to experience that feeling. I think I come pretty close to that when I let the occasional "F" word flow from my mouth and I get excited because I have expressed myself completely. I am very careful not to curse around my parents, children or older people. Only around friends and those who I know will not be offended by it. I get amused when I am with certain friends who feel the same as I do about using profanity because we understand each other and no offense is taken when we call each other derogatory names. In fact, I think that's how we show our loving but sordid affection for each other.
I have had the discussion about curbing my use of profanity with my sister in the past and she is totally against it. She believes in freedom of expression and if that is how I want to express myself, then so be it. Of course I have heard other people's opinions about using profanity and someone even told me that it is not "lady like". Unfortunately, that person didn't know me well enough to realize that she actually encouraged me to become more profane. (I couldn't care less about what is perceived as "lady like" but that's a whole other blog topic.) I honestly don't think that there is anything wrong with profanity as long as you are respecting others around you. Yes, there are days when I turn the radio off because the content of some music is a bit too vulgar for me. Then there are other days when I can listen to Biggie and recite his lyrics verse by verse. It all depends on how I'm feeling. Is it wrong to curse? I have no idea, but until I'm convinced that something is wrong with using profanity, I'm going to keep on doing it.

Bye bye baby...

One of my dearest friends gave birth to twins last Friday. They are adorable and are the perfect set, a boy and a girl. I have seen them twice this week and each time I held them, they became cuter. After holding them for a little while, I became reflective as I usually do. When I think about it, I always see my friends as spontaneous, fun and carefree. They are the people I call at the last minute when I want to take a quick trip to New York to buy clothes. They are also the ones I stay up with on the phone talking about nonsense into the wee hours of the morning and giggling like little girls. I like having that sense of freedom with some of my friends because there is no feeling like it in the world.
I often wonder if that feeling will end. To be honest, it is sad to think about for me and causes me a lot of anxiety. When a woman has children there are many more important things in life to think about than jetting off to buy new clothes, right? With each year another friend of mine gets married and/or has a baby. I am always sincerely happy for them and try to support them in any way I can. Although I possess a tremendous feeling of joy for them, I cannot help but to think about how how this will affect their lives and mine. I know that last part sounds a bit selfish but its true.
As I am sitting here writing, I am going through my mental Rolodex of friends and thinking about how our interactions have changed with each other over the years as they have either gotten married or had children. Its interesting because I am realizing that with some of them, our relationships have actually strengthened while only a few have become weaker. It appears as though it depends on the person going through the experience. I think I'm onto something... What I'm discovering is that this is a very personal experience and a woman can choose how she balances her life. Some of my friends have been very successful at balancing their social lives and taking time for themselves, while others are not so good at it. I don't want to come across as biased against women who choose not to have the occasional lunch with their friends and who desire to spend all day with their children. If that is her choice then I am fine with it. Unfortunately, I do think this leads to a feeling of seclusion for the woman who does this with her time. I believe that it is very important to take time out for yourself to speak with a trusted friend, go to the spa or even take yourself out to lunch for a breather especially when you are a wife and a mother. It gives life perspective and new meaning and one gets to THINK independently. What a wonderful feeling!
In the end what I have determined is that every woman does what is best for her and her situation. I do wish that some of my friends would come up for air every so often because I miss them but for the most part my friends have done a good job at maintaining a balanced life style. I enjoy their children and I think they are all lovely little people. I do look forward to joining my friends someday in their wifely and motherly duties but when the time comes, if I ever refuse a trip to the spa then you know something is wrong. At this time, I am requesting that you contact the nearest psychiatric ward because I am definitely losing it. I am well aware that everyone gets out of balance every now and then but me turning down a trip to the spa?? NEVER!

Venus?

I always thought that as we get older we become wiser, bolder and more liberated in every sense of the word. I'm beginning to wonder if I'm wrong. For the most part, I have enjoyed growing up and stepping into new experiences. I have shed some old perspectives on life and gained some new ones. I have been going through a lot of growing pains lately and wondering where my life is going to end up. What's in store for me as the years go by? Of course I don't have the answer to this question so I look at older women's lives to try and gage how they feel and what life experiences they've had. I don't look at celebrities but rather at real women that I know. So far my most interesting observation surrounds the topic of sex. Allow me to share with you what I have learned so far.
At my job, there tends to be good banter in the morning between those of us who sit in the back of the office. Our ages range from the early 30s to the mid 50s. We discuss politics, current events and recently the topic of sex has been coming into the conversation a lot more often. One of my coworkers is a woman in her mid 50s and she is interested in dating again. She often discusses dates she's been on and the types of men she meets in the park. When asked more probing questions about her relationships, she completely shuts down. It's as if the topic of sex is taboo and not allowed in her brain. At one point she began to wave her hands in the air like she was calling on some deity for assistance with the topic. When confronted about her odd behavior she began talking as if sex was some far away star in the galaxy. It was all too weird for me and baffling.

I thought as we got older we were supposed to let go of some of our inhibitions and be free. If you want a man, you're supposed to just go and get him! (insert tiger growl here) Am I wrong? Maybe. I thought that sex and intimacy over 50 was fabulous. That's what Oprah said and I believed her. I have not learned a lot so far about this concept. I wonder if my coworker represents the majority of women out here in their 50s and how they feel about intimacy. I have some more observing to do but so far I'm not impressed. I'll keep you posted. Until next time...

Our Father

For the past couple of days there has been a theme that has taken place in most of my conversations with various individuals. I haven't done anything to provoke these exchanges but yet they seem to arise. Last week, I was talking with a coworker over lunch and I stopped to say grace before I began to eat. I did the sign of the cross and commenced to try to enjoy my food. My coworker stopped and asked, "You're Catholic?" I replied yes and I could immediately tell where this conversation was going by the look on her face. Then she says, "My father told me that you guys don't believe in Jesus, right?" This wasn't so much of a question as it was a statement. Although I was annoyed, I proceeded to provide a small lesson on Catholicism for her. I don't know if I was more annoyed that this was an almost 50 year old woman who was just ordained as a minister or that my lunch was being interrupted for this topic. Later on that week, I had two separate but similar conversations with friends about Catholicism and what was understood about it.
The topic of religion never gets me excited or frustrated only because I know that some people are so strong in their convictions that its impossible to discuss anything with them. What bothers me is that most people only understand certain religions by what other people have told them. They don't take the initiative to research other belief systems and come to a different level of understanding about them. Unfortunately, I know that many churchgoers take the words of their pastors, priests, rabbis etc. as the ultimate truth. This thought process is very irritating to me because people who hold high positions in religious institutions can have biases and misinformation as well. I have met way too many people in my life who quote their pastors as if he/she has a book written in the Bible.
My belief in the Trinity is strong but I also take the time to learn about other religions as well. Just because someone isn't a Christian doesn't mean that they are not loved by God and are damned to a life of misery but I know there are others who feel differently. Just today, I was visiting with a patient who is very near death and a volunteer from my company was present during my assessment. We were discussing all of the stories the patient used to tell and what a sweet person she is to be around. All of a sudden, the volunteer became very serious, leans in while staring into my eyes and says, "she's a good Christian woman and deserves prayer." So...if she was a Buddhist and lived a wayward life, she wouldn't be deserving of any spiritual intervention? I never understand statements like these from so called "religious" people because I find them to be awkward and strange. I also find the people who make those statements to be awkward and strange as well. In fact, in that moment I actually thought that the volunteer was going to start smacking me in my face with her Bible pamphlet like Margaret White in the movie Carrie. My eyes quickly scanned the room to look for a broom closet and then I realized that I was in a safe place.
I know that religion provides structure and guidance for some people but I wish it wasn't taken as seriously. The underlying concept of the religions I have studied so far has been love. I'm not sure that a person's religion is going to be relevant at the end of of their journey. I think that how we treat people and use ourselves for good will be far more important. With this being said, I hope that we all take the time to educate ourselves about different cultures and belief systems. We shouldn't take ideas and adopt them as our own without fully understanding them. Flexibility of the mind and heart is priceless and we can all learn from each others differences.