Last week while at the hair salon sitting under the dryer, I was watching the Oprah Winfrey Show. On this particular episode she was interviewing Robin Givens, who is the ex-wife of heavy weight champion Mike Tyson. During this show, Robin Givens was upset because Oprah Winfrey did not speak up for battered women when Mike Tyson made a reference to wanting to "sock" Robin Givens when discussing their infamous interview with Barbara Walters in the late 80's. Just when Robin Givens began to cry, the woman at the dryer next to me stated, "You know she is a professional actress." I turned my head and said, "Excuse me?" The woman then stated, "She gets paid to act." I then asked her is she didn't believe that Robin Givens was telling the truth. She replied, "I'm not saying I don't believe her, I'm just saying that she is an actress." She then got up and walked away.
In that moment, I had a mix of emotions shoot through me. One emotion was confusion because I hate when people don't clearly state what they mean. She had the opportunity to say yes or no to my question. Either you believe Robin Givens or you don't. Another emotion was anger. I'm not so sure why I became angry but I am going to try to explore it a little. I actually think that when the woman next to me made that statement it was very hateful. It was said with a bit of sarcasm and the look on her face and her body language was that of someone who thinks she has the right to judge other people. I couldn't help but wonder if what she said came out of a place of self-hatred. I cannot imagine having a woman tell me that she has been abused and I not provide her with emotional support. I give every woman the benefit of the doubt because I don't know for sure what they have been through in their relationships. I find that woman's comment to be one of the major contributing factors for why some women get stuck in abusive relationships. The factor is that people don't believe them when they are reaching out for help. I am not an expert on domestic abuse but I am quite sure that for a woman to tell someone about what is happening to her and to then have that person judge her situation, it can be a matter of life and death. She may never share this information with anyone else and risk staying in that abusive relationship for fear that no one will believe her.
I have a part time job doing mental health therapy with young women. None of my clients at this time are over eighteen years old but 2 out of 3 of them have experienced traumatic verbal and physical abuse at the hands of various men in their lives. My job is to guide them and to let them know that they have a safe place to come and share their stories. I also provide them with emotional support to assist them in dealing with the problems from their pasts. I believe them when they tell me their stories because for so long no one listened to them. It makes my heart ache when individuals who have no compassion for others make comments like the one woman made at the salon. I don't know who else heard her and who may now adopt the same attitude about domestic abuse. All I can do at this point is remain supportive and be an advocate for women who are abused. At some point as women we have to learn to be supportive of each other. I hope that time comes sooner rather than later.
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Thursday, November 12, 2009
A Different World
Last weekend I had the privilege of attending a beautiful wedding in New Orleans, Louisiana. One of my closest friends was in the wedding and everything was great including the weather which reached a beautiful high of 80 degrees that day. The couple that got married both attended a historically black college/university (HBCU) and went on to obtain advanced degrees at other highly respected institutions. The bride is a member of a sorority and the groom is a member of a fraternity, which both hold prominent places within the black community. Towards the end of the reception, the groom and his groomsmen began to pay tribute to their fraternity by singing songs and performing a mini-step show. It was fun watching them and feeling their energy and it gave me a warm feeling inside and reminded me of my college days.
Like the bride and groom, I also attended a historically black university. It is rare that I am invited to weddings where almost the whole wedding party and most of the guests have gone to an HBCU. The feeling was remarkable and inspiring and made me once again appreciate the decision I made to attend my university. I see it as a blessing to be a part of a community of people who share the commonality of attending an HBCU. We all remember the struggles and the strengths of our college days and have similar stories to share about our schools. For the most part, I think that people who have never attended a historically black college or university frown upon the idea and cannot completely grasp the pride that a person has when talking about the specific HBCU they attended. My heart goes out to individuals who have never experienced life at an HBCU because it appears as if they missed out on a tremendous growth opportunity. I really recognized this when I attended graduate school at a predominantly white university and began to meet black undergraduate students who seemed very lost and out of touch with themselves. The one thing I know for sure about attending an HBCU is that it instills in its students a sense of pride about being black that other colleges/universities are not able to do. It is also very comforting to look out on a campus and see reflections of yourself and to meet other people who share some of your same values.
At times, I take my college life for granted and forget what an enriching experience it was on certain levels. I am always grateful when I get good reminders of my past and when I can do a little reflecting about my college days. The wedding I attended provided me with the opportunity of witnessing two people in love make a life long commitment. It also served to remind me of what a lucky person I am to have had the wonderful experiences I have had so far in life. God has blessed me in many ways and making me attend an HBCU was just one way in which He has shown His love for me. There were many schools and many paths that I could have chosen when I was younger. I am grateful that my path crossed with certain individuals and certain schools and I look forward to better and more abundant journeys in the future.
Like the bride and groom, I also attended a historically black university. It is rare that I am invited to weddings where almost the whole wedding party and most of the guests have gone to an HBCU. The feeling was remarkable and inspiring and made me once again appreciate the decision I made to attend my university. I see it as a blessing to be a part of a community of people who share the commonality of attending an HBCU. We all remember the struggles and the strengths of our college days and have similar stories to share about our schools. For the most part, I think that people who have never attended a historically black college or university frown upon the idea and cannot completely grasp the pride that a person has when talking about the specific HBCU they attended. My heart goes out to individuals who have never experienced life at an HBCU because it appears as if they missed out on a tremendous growth opportunity. I really recognized this when I attended graduate school at a predominantly white university and began to meet black undergraduate students who seemed very lost and out of touch with themselves. The one thing I know for sure about attending an HBCU is that it instills in its students a sense of pride about being black that other colleges/universities are not able to do. It is also very comforting to look out on a campus and see reflections of yourself and to meet other people who share some of your same values.
At times, I take my college life for granted and forget what an enriching experience it was on certain levels. I am always grateful when I get good reminders of my past and when I can do a little reflecting about my college days. The wedding I attended provided me with the opportunity of witnessing two people in love make a life long commitment. It also served to remind me of what a lucky person I am to have had the wonderful experiences I have had so far in life. God has blessed me in many ways and making me attend an HBCU was just one way in which He has shown His love for me. There were many schools and many paths that I could have chosen when I was younger. I am grateful that my path crossed with certain individuals and certain schools and I look forward to better and more abundant journeys in the future.
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
The End Of An Era
About two months ago I wrote a post about Facebook and the lack of intimacy that it provides between individuals. Well, I finally got tired of Facebook and decided to end my relationship with all social networking websites. I just simply became annoyed with all of the nonsense. It was great seeing old classmates and finding people I grew up with in my neighborhood but outside of those moments, I didn't enjoy it much. To be quite honest, I actually found it to be an invasion of my privacy. For those people who do not know me well, I am a VERY private person. I don't share the details of my personal life with many people so for me to be so easily accessible was bothersome. I know I'm not Angelina Jolie or Halle Berry but I do believe that maintaining a certain level of privacy for myself is important. I didn't like the fact that people could look at my pictures and view conversations that I was having with other people. It leaves room for too much interpretation and with my sense of humor, people who do not know me can easily misinterpret what I say.
I also found myself being a bit more intrusive in other people's lives as well. I would get home from work and instead of sitting down and reading a book, I would turn the computer on and immediately begin to shuffle through other people's random vacation pictures, party pics and more. Its not like I'm not interested in what other people are doing in their lives, I just don't think I need to be consumed with it for two hours out of the day. I have literally sat down at 5pm, started looking at Facebook and before I knew it the clock was reading 7pm. That was when I knew I had a problem. I was so involved in other people's lives that I was neglecting my own.
Another big issue for me is that some of the people who were popping up on Facebook were people who I didn't care to know any longer. I am a firm believer that not everyone belongs in my life. When I closed my account, there were many friend requests "pending" and I am so thankful that they will remain in that "pending" area of my life. The fact that I have to keep someone "pending" to be my "friend" speaks volumes to me. Anyway, as I have stated in many of my blogs, I am experiencing a tremendous growth spurt in my life and Facebook was not helping me to focus on myself. I think it did just the opposite and hindered my growth. Now I can come home, read a book and get back to my normally peaceful state of mind. This may not mean a lot to other people, but it means a lot to me. Either way it doesn't matter if others understand it or not. I just know that I feel so much better.
I also found myself being a bit more intrusive in other people's lives as well. I would get home from work and instead of sitting down and reading a book, I would turn the computer on and immediately begin to shuffle through other people's random vacation pictures, party pics and more. Its not like I'm not interested in what other people are doing in their lives, I just don't think I need to be consumed with it for two hours out of the day. I have literally sat down at 5pm, started looking at Facebook and before I knew it the clock was reading 7pm. That was when I knew I had a problem. I was so involved in other people's lives that I was neglecting my own.
Another big issue for me is that some of the people who were popping up on Facebook were people who I didn't care to know any longer. I am a firm believer that not everyone belongs in my life. When I closed my account, there were many friend requests "pending" and I am so thankful that they will remain in that "pending" area of my life. The fact that I have to keep someone "pending" to be my "friend" speaks volumes to me. Anyway, as I have stated in many of my blogs, I am experiencing a tremendous growth spurt in my life and Facebook was not helping me to focus on myself. I think it did just the opposite and hindered my growth. Now I can come home, read a book and get back to my normally peaceful state of mind. This may not mean a lot to other people, but it means a lot to me. Either way it doesn't matter if others understand it or not. I just know that I feel so much better.
Sunday, October 4, 2009
The Death of Customer Service
Last week I was invited out to eat lunch at a new restaurant by a coworker. There were four of us who went to eat and we were really excited to try the food and experience the atmosphere. When we got to the restaurant we were not greeted at the door but rather instructed to find our own seating, which was fine since there were only a few other people eating. (This should have been my first sign.) As we sat down we were "greeted" by a young woman in her early 20s. After looking at the menu for a second, she asked us what we would like to have to drink and my response was Diet Coke. She then proceeds to inform me that the restaurant does not have Diet Coke. I was puzzled because the menu clearly stated Diet Coke. So I asked instead if I could have cranberry juice. I was again told that the restaurant did not have any cranberry juice. After listing one more drink that the restaurant did not have, I was forced to order Sunny Delight, a drink that I have had only one other time in my life when I was maybe 10 years of age.
After 15 minutes of waiting finally my drink arrived...in the bottle. The waitress set a glass down on the table and then walked away. After waiting another 5 minutes and noticing that she did not return, my coworker flagged the waitress down and asked if we could have some ice. She then told us that the restaurant did not have any ice. A restaurant with no ice? Now this was getting a bit ridiculous. After thinking her response over for a second, I finally gave in and just asked for a straw to drink my Sunny D out of the bottle. She leans over the table, rolls her eyes and tells me that the restaurant does not have any straws.
This is when I became annoyed. If it was not for the humiliated look on the co worker's face who invited me out, I would have left that restaurant. Not only was the restaurant not prepared for business but the waitress was rude. I have been to "hole in the wall" restaurants before where I have immensely enjoyed the food and the customer service was great. In fact, there was one restaurant in NY where I went to the restroom and the toilet was underneath the sink so I literally had to bend down to use the bathroom. Even in that place, I had a better time than at this restaurant because the customer service made all of the difference in the world.
Customer service is dying. Just yesterday, I went to the grocery store and the cashier did the whole transaction without saying one word to me. I purposely did not say anything just to see if she was going to say something to me and she didn't. Is it too difficult to say, "hello", "thank you" or "have a great day"? Even if the person doesn't mean it, I would still appreciate if they said it to me. After all, I am paying my money which I'm sure contributes to their pay check. I try not to patronize businesses where the customer service is horrible. I definitely know that I will never again go to that restaurant but with service like that, I don't expect for it to be around much longer anyway.
After 15 minutes of waiting finally my drink arrived...in the bottle. The waitress set a glass down on the table and then walked away. After waiting another 5 minutes and noticing that she did not return, my coworker flagged the waitress down and asked if we could have some ice. She then told us that the restaurant did not have any ice. A restaurant with no ice? Now this was getting a bit ridiculous. After thinking her response over for a second, I finally gave in and just asked for a straw to drink my Sunny D out of the bottle. She leans over the table, rolls her eyes and tells me that the restaurant does not have any straws.
This is when I became annoyed. If it was not for the humiliated look on the co worker's face who invited me out, I would have left that restaurant. Not only was the restaurant not prepared for business but the waitress was rude. I have been to "hole in the wall" restaurants before where I have immensely enjoyed the food and the customer service was great. In fact, there was one restaurant in NY where I went to the restroom and the toilet was underneath the sink so I literally had to bend down to use the bathroom. Even in that place, I had a better time than at this restaurant because the customer service made all of the difference in the world.
Customer service is dying. Just yesterday, I went to the grocery store and the cashier did the whole transaction without saying one word to me. I purposely did not say anything just to see if she was going to say something to me and she didn't. Is it too difficult to say, "hello", "thank you" or "have a great day"? Even if the person doesn't mean it, I would still appreciate if they said it to me. After all, I am paying my money which I'm sure contributes to their pay check. I try not to patronize businesses where the customer service is horrible. I definitely know that I will never again go to that restaurant but with service like that, I don't expect for it to be around much longer anyway.
Monday, September 21, 2009
Am I Bitter?
Yesterday I was at a friend's baby shower, sitting with some of her other close friends. We were discussing various topics including dating, television and our careers. Most of us had not seen each other since my friend's wedding in 2007 so we were happy to see each other again and catch up. At one point during our conversation, another person walked up to the table and began to provide information about what has been happening in her life over the past two years. She then began to ask everyone at the table for an update and they gladly provided it to her. When she got to me, I shared with her that I started a new job about six months ago and I told her some other events as well. She then states, "You got a new job! Why didn't you put that on facebook?" I immediately looked at her with a puzzled expression on my face and I explained that I don't share information of the nature on facebook.
I'm wondering when facebook became the substitute for face to face conversations. At some point I fear that people are going to begin placing their wedding invitations on facebook as a way to save money. Unfortunately, I do believe that many people use social networking sites as a way to share good news with close friends. I like facebook but I become highly annoyed with people who make a status update about every single move they make throughout the day. I don't need to know that you are brushing your teeth or that you are headed to the nail salon. Am I being bitter or just getting old? I would rather have my friends call me and we can talk about our daily lives like normal people. I'm sure most people won't agree with my views because facebook has become a convenient way of life. I still like to receive hand written notes in the mail and I get excited when I see a card addressed to me for a special occasion. It takes a lot of effort nowadays for someone to travel to the post office and mail a letter and I appreciate that effort. Anyway, before I go off on a rant I would just like to say that nothing can beat talking on the phone or having a good lunch with a great friend. You can't get that kind of intimacy on facebook. You just can't.
I'm wondering when facebook became the substitute for face to face conversations. At some point I fear that people are going to begin placing their wedding invitations on facebook as a way to save money. Unfortunately, I do believe that many people use social networking sites as a way to share good news with close friends. I like facebook but I become highly annoyed with people who make a status update about every single move they make throughout the day. I don't need to know that you are brushing your teeth or that you are headed to the nail salon. Am I being bitter or just getting old? I would rather have my friends call me and we can talk about our daily lives like normal people. I'm sure most people won't agree with my views because facebook has become a convenient way of life. I still like to receive hand written notes in the mail and I get excited when I see a card addressed to me for a special occasion. It takes a lot of effort nowadays for someone to travel to the post office and mail a letter and I appreciate that effort. Anyway, before I go off on a rant I would just like to say that nothing can beat talking on the phone or having a good lunch with a great friend. You can't get that kind of intimacy on facebook. You just can't.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
A Simple Concept
About a week ago I walked into the nail salon and as usual I am greeted cheerfully by Peter, the manager of the salon. He gestured for me to sit in his chair and he begins my manicure. Almost as soon as I sit down, Peter begins to sing and he has this delightful look all over his face. His singing continued for about 10 minutes and at times he seemed as though he was singing to me! That is when I realized that I have been going to this same salon for about one year and every time I get my service, Peter is in a better mood each time I see him. When I thought about this, I looked up, gazed at him and said, "Peter, are you always in a good mood?" He immediately looks at me with this puzzled look and asks, "What do you mean?" I then said, "Are you always happy?" Again, he looks at me and says, "Yes! Why not?"
What a simple concept. Yes. Why wouldn't I be happy? The way he responded made me feel foolish. I sat there and wondered what compelled me to ask such a question. Maybe it's because I don't often run into people who are happy every day or maybe it's because I'm not in a particularly happy state of mind. I'm not sure. All I know is that what he said made a lot of sense to me. Why I would question happiness seems absurd. I know I can deduce a lot from his answer but I learned one major thing: I don't want to be in such a negative space that I have to question someone else's joy. For me that is the biggest lesson.
What a simple concept. Yes. Why wouldn't I be happy? The way he responded made me feel foolish. I sat there and wondered what compelled me to ask such a question. Maybe it's because I don't often run into people who are happy every day or maybe it's because I'm not in a particularly happy state of mind. I'm not sure. All I know is that what he said made a lot of sense to me. Why I would question happiness seems absurd. I know I can deduce a lot from his answer but I learned one major thing: I don't want to be in such a negative space that I have to question someone else's joy. For me that is the biggest lesson.
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
The Lesson
As I have mentioned in a previous post the past year has been very emotionally trying for me. My professional career was turned upside down and as a result many other areas of my life were affected by that occurrence. During the time when I was experiencing close to the worst part of my professional life, I knew that my faith in God had to be strengthened. My daily meditations became more purposeful and I began having much more in depth conversations with God about what was happening in my life. At this time, I was in an unhealthy work environment, my supervisor was unstable and lacked moral fiber and it felt as if the company I worked for had been placed under a satanic spell. I have never before been in the midst of such evil. It is difficult to explain everything that I witnessed and experienced but I do know that it rocked the foundation of my being and I am not the same person I was prior to accepting employment at that company. I was plagued with instability when I left that job and I knew that it was going to take a while to regain focus and gather the pieces of myself that were shattered. I have been grappling with trying to find the lesson for me with that experience and I have been unsuccessful in doing so. There are many professional "lessons" I have learned in terms of handling budgets, reading legal documents etc., but nothing that has built my character. In fact, I think it may have done the opposite.
I left that job in March and bouncing back has not been easy for me. I have days when I am happy and days when I am extremely irritable. I have already assessed myself for depression and I fit none of the diagnostic criteria. (At least then I would have had an excuse for my madness.) I am working on maintaining my boundaries with work and people as well. I sometimes feel as if I am going to stop functioning altogether because at times, I have nothing else to give people. I am physically and mentally exhausted and I am very aware of this issue. Just last week, I was beating up on myself because I know the person I used to be and I want her back badly. Then I decided to place my negative emotions to the side and do my bi-monthly budgeting exercises as a way to avoid the issue. When I looked down at the calendar, I was amazed. It was only August. August! That's when I realized that I may not be crazy. It has only been 5 months since I left that job and here I am questioning why I'm not the person I used to be. I hadn't even thought about giving myself time to heal from such a tumultuous year. I guess I expected that I would recover quickly from a job that drained me so terribly but it just isn't possible. I spend my days and some nights encouraging clients to take a minute for themselves and try to find peace and I'm not practicing that in my own life right now.
So what I have decided to do is just take my time. I can't give myself away to people or things that do not give me pleasure anymore. I simply cannot do it. I need time to rejuvenate myself and get back on track with my purpose. I wouldn't be surprised if I discover the lesson that God has been trying to teach me when I surrender and relax into what I am feeling. The true beginning of my healing process took place when I went to AZ on a spa trip with my friends in July. I began to feel a piece of myself come back and I was very happy. I look forward to seeing what the next 5 to 6 months has to offer me in terms of growth. I am not at the best place now but I pray that I feel better soon. I hope to emerge with renewed strength and I eagerly anticipate finding the lesson in the center of this chaotic time.
I left that job in March and bouncing back has not been easy for me. I have days when I am happy and days when I am extremely irritable. I have already assessed myself for depression and I fit none of the diagnostic criteria. (At least then I would have had an excuse for my madness.) I am working on maintaining my boundaries with work and people as well. I sometimes feel as if I am going to stop functioning altogether because at times, I have nothing else to give people. I am physically and mentally exhausted and I am very aware of this issue. Just last week, I was beating up on myself because I know the person I used to be and I want her back badly. Then I decided to place my negative emotions to the side and do my bi-monthly budgeting exercises as a way to avoid the issue. When I looked down at the calendar, I was amazed. It was only August. August! That's when I realized that I may not be crazy. It has only been 5 months since I left that job and here I am questioning why I'm not the person I used to be. I hadn't even thought about giving myself time to heal from such a tumultuous year. I guess I expected that I would recover quickly from a job that drained me so terribly but it just isn't possible. I spend my days and some nights encouraging clients to take a minute for themselves and try to find peace and I'm not practicing that in my own life right now.
So what I have decided to do is just take my time. I can't give myself away to people or things that do not give me pleasure anymore. I simply cannot do it. I need time to rejuvenate myself and get back on track with my purpose. I wouldn't be surprised if I discover the lesson that God has been trying to teach me when I surrender and relax into what I am feeling. The true beginning of my healing process took place when I went to AZ on a spa trip with my friends in July. I began to feel a piece of myself come back and I was very happy. I look forward to seeing what the next 5 to 6 months has to offer me in terms of growth. I am not at the best place now but I pray that I feel better soon. I hope to emerge with renewed strength and I eagerly anticipate finding the lesson in the center of this chaotic time.
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