I See Dead People

As a social worker, I have had many interesting jobs over the span of my professional career. I've worked in the juvenile system, I've had jobs in schools and I have given myself over to the area of mental health completely. I have enjoyed almost every position I've held so far. Some have come as a challenge while others have been very easy for me. Over the past year, I have faced some struggles in my career that I am still currently trying to sort out. I have been angry, sad and at times frustrated about some of the ups and downs I've experienced. After searching for a while, back in March of this year I was offered a job that I would have never pictured myself doing. It's in the medical field and yes it allows me to help people which is what I love doing, but it involved working for a hospice.
When I think of the word hospice the images of flowers and candy don't automatically come to my mind. Instead I picture white sheets , metal instruments and of course, death. Hospice was the place where they put my beloved Gaga (my babysitter when I was a child) when the doctors couldn't do anything else for her. All I remember thinking was that she was going to die in that facility. Needless to say, I didn't know a lot about hospice but I opened myself up to the experience and said yes to the position because I wanted to learn something new.
During the past few months, I have had two experiences where I have been in the room when a patient has died. The first time it happened I was shocked because I had never witnessed anyone die before. When I saw that patient expire, I was filled with many questions about death and dying but didn't quite know how to articulate what I was feeling. The second time it happened, which was a couple of days ago, the primary question that swirled in my mind was if the patient was really there in spirit when she passed away. After observing her labored breathing for a little while and calling her name in an attempt to get a response, I realized that the answer was no. That woman left her body long before her breathing had stopped. It was like looking into an empty shell or gazing at a wax figure in a museum. Her eyes were completely empty when I looked into them and I could tell that she didn't see me even though they were open. I was so convinced that she had already left this realm that I called the family so that they could come and say goodbye. Sure enough when the family came, the woman stopped breathing ten minutes after their arrival. Whoever she was in spirit had made it's peace with this earth and went wherever it was going.
The mystery of death actually hit me in that moment. Not in a bad way but in a good way. I wondered where she went. Was she standing there watching us and giggling as one of the nurses commented about how pretty her complexion was? I don't know. I do know that when I said my silent prayer for her soul to rest in peace, I felt better about her death almost instantly. It's not like I knew her but I felt sympathy for her family. After I left the facility, I had a talk with my sister and I shared with her what I had just witnessed with that patient. After telling me that I needed to get a new job, my sister said that one of her friend's observed the same emptiness when her brother passed away. She didn't think he was in his body either at the time of his actual death. I found this to be confirmation to what I already suspected even though I had no proof. I will never know the answer to my question but it's worthy of some reflection. I guess there are a lot of questions in life that go unanswered and that's one of them.
All in all, working at this job has given me a new perspective on life. Its made me appreciate my health and has encouraged me to live life to the fullest. I have even stopped worrying and being frustrated about a lot of issues that used to bother me before. The most interesting part is that I have developed a pretty sharp eye for spotting the signs of imminent death. I couldn't brag about that quality before but now I can.( I'll have to remember to add that to my resume.) With every job I have, I learn a lot about myself and use it to my advantage. With this job, I am learning a lot about the medical field and other useful information regarding patient care. In fact, just the other day in a meeting, the medical director commented that he wanted to teach each one of us how to feel a patient's stomach to tell if he/she is constipated. The instant he uttered those words I received a quick answer to another question that was swirling around in my head: YES. My sister was right, I need to find a new job.