The Lesson

As I have mentioned in a previous post the past year has been very emotionally trying for me. My professional career was turned upside down and as a result many other areas of my life were affected by that occurrence. During the time when I was experiencing close to the worst part of my professional life, I knew that my faith in God had to be strengthened. My daily meditations became more purposeful and I began having much more in depth conversations with God about what was happening in my life. At this time, I was in an unhealthy work environment, my supervisor was unstable and lacked moral fiber and it felt as if the company I worked for had been placed under a satanic spell. I have never before been in the midst of such evil. It is difficult to explain everything that I witnessed and experienced but I do know that it rocked the foundation of my being and I am not the same person I was prior to accepting employment at that company. I was plagued with instability when I left that job and I knew that it was going to take a while to regain focus and gather the pieces of myself that were shattered. I have been grappling with trying to find the lesson for me with that experience and I have been unsuccessful in doing so. There are many professional "lessons" I have learned in terms of handling budgets, reading legal documents etc., but nothing that has built my character. In fact, I think it may have done the opposite.
I left that job in March and bouncing back has not been easy for me. I have days when I am happy and days when I am extremely irritable. I have already assessed myself for depression and I fit none of the diagnostic criteria. (At least then I would have had an excuse for my madness.) I am working on maintaining my boundaries with work and people as well. I sometimes feel as if I am going to stop functioning altogether because at times, I have nothing else to give people. I am physically and mentally exhausted and I am very aware of this issue. Just last week, I was beating up on myself because I know the person I used to be and I want her back badly. Then I decided to place my negative emotions to the side and do my bi-monthly budgeting exercises as a way to avoid the issue. When I looked down at the calendar, I was amazed. It was only August. August! That's when I realized that I may not be crazy. It has only been 5 months since I left that job and here I am questioning why I'm not the person I used to be. I hadn't even thought about giving myself time to heal from such a tumultuous year. I guess I expected that I would recover quickly from a job that drained me so terribly but it just isn't possible. I spend my days and some nights encouraging clients to take a minute for themselves and try to find peace and I'm not practicing that in my own life right now.
So what I have decided to do is just take my time. I can't give myself away to people or things that do not give me pleasure anymore. I simply cannot do it. I need time to rejuvenate myself and get back on track with my purpose. I wouldn't be surprised if I discover the lesson that God has been trying to teach me when I surrender and relax into what I am feeling. The true beginning of my healing process took place when I went to AZ on a spa trip with my friends in July. I began to feel a piece of myself come back and I was very happy. I look forward to seeing what the next 5 to 6 months has to offer me in terms of growth. I am not at the best place now but I pray that I feel better soon. I hope to emerge with renewed strength and I eagerly anticipate finding the lesson in the center of this chaotic time.