Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Stepping Out on Faith

About two weeks ago I quit my job. Yes, you read correctly. I quit my job. A couple of months ago I wrote about the toxicity in my work place and the kind of people I was surrounded by on a daily basis. As you can see, I could not take it any longer. I was becoming someone that I wasn't comfortable with and felt my life slipping away and I wasn't enjoying it much anymore. So as hard as the decision was to leave the little sense of stability I had, I was forced to let it go due to situations beyond my control. In a way, I feel as though I was told by God to let my job go months ago but I ignored Him and stayed in a horrible work environment. As a result, I truly believe that God made my work situation so bad that I was forced to take drastic actions to change where I was working and the direction of my life. I feel like God had his foot on my back and pushed me out of the door and into my car and I obliged.
Since my departure from my job, I have felt a restoration occurring in my life. I now have time to speak with my friends, I am now back at the gym regularly and my relationship with God is strengthening. Unfortunately, due to my job many areas of my life began to suffer. Most of the people who truly know me are aware that I am a very introspective person and I work hard to cultivate the life I need and that makes me happy. I work for what I want and I don't believe that anyone can stop me from getting all of the goodness I deserve in life. For some reason, while I was at that job, it seemed like the flow of good energy stopped coming forward to me. I was grumpy, short tempered and never seemed to have enough time to care for myself or for the people I care about the most in my life: my close friends and family. Miraculously, since I have left that job there is a new energy surrounding me. Opportunities are springing up out of nowhere and I am seeing good things flow again and it feels great. Its amazing how one small change can make such a huge difference.
I know that many people are not in the position to quit their jobs like I did but this situation can apply to anything. If someone is in a "friendship" or "relationship" that doesn't make them happy, they can choose to change it. Nothing has to remain the same. I have changed situations many times in my life because I needed to be healthier. I like the feeling of freedom. I didn't like my job situation and the people who were around me. They were mean and gossipy. That's not what my spirit wants me to be and I knew it. When God first gave me the sign that I needed to leave that job, I resisted it because of fear. That bothers me because I have never been a fearful person but looking back I know that's what it was that I was feeling. Finally, He gave me other signs and I literally heard a voice telling me that I needed to step out on faith so eventually that's what I did. It was not an easy decision to make. I have been working since the age of 15 and I like making money. With this is mind, I knew I had to trust my higher power and believe that He would provide for me and He has been doing just that and then some.
I am happier now and every day I feel more connected with my source. I look forward to more doors being opened for me and more opportunities coming my way. I feel the world opening up for me in a new way and I am beyond blessed.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Happy Anniversary!

It's been a year already since I began this blog. I am happy about where I have come from with it and where I am going. I look forward to writing more in the future. Happy Anniversary to me!!!

Sunday, July 11, 2010

Say Aaaahhhh....

I once wrote a poem about sleeping when I was in my early 20's. The poem sounded very sexual in nature but I knew what it was talking about. Sleep is one of the best things that God has given humankind. The ability to curl up on some cool sheets and then cover yourself with a heavy blanket is divine. Scientists don't know why people need to sleep but who cares. I feel so bad for people I meet who have insomnia. That must be a horrible feeling. Don't get me wrong, I have nights when I can't sleep well and troubles are on my mind. Those are the times when I know there are areas in my life that I need to improve upon. I use those wee hours in the night to really focus on what needs to be done to resolve issues.
I have always gone to bed early. Even in college when people were out partying it up, I was in my bed. Nothing can come close to having that refreshed feeling when I get up in the morning. I also have to get at least 7 to 7 1/2 hours of sleep each night. If I wake up before or after my allotted time, I am sluggish and cranky! It takes me longer to get going and I can't seem to get myself together. If I miss sleep at night, I make it up the next night by going to bed extra early. There is a price to pay for this as well. I get up very early in the morning. While others are still sleeping at 10am, I am well into my day. I sometimes wish I could sleep until 1pm like some people I know but I can't. So, I use my early mornings for meditation, prayer and/or reading. Its just great. Anyway, we can all use more sleep on some days. I encourage anyone reading this who can have the luxury of getting more sleep at night to do so! If you have small kids or other responsibilities, try to slip in a nap during the day if possible. If not, then just try to look forward to the days when you can sleep peacefully. It's coming again.

Sunday, July 4, 2010

Busy. Busy. Busy.


Last week I was having a conversation with a friend about my current job. The friend I was talking with used to work at my job but left her position about 4 months ago. She is very familiar with the personalities and the chaos that ensues daily in the office. To give a brief description, I work for a company in the healthcare field. Out of 40 staff members there are two men who hold positions in the office. Of course the rest of us are women...well some of us behave like women.
Anyway, there are four administrative positions in the office and all of the roles are held by women. To put it lightly, there are a lot of attitudes, egos and various personalities that circulate every day in the office. There are countless days when office doors are closed and you can hear screaming matches going on between some women. Just last week one of my coworkers came to sit near me and had an emotional breakdown because she couldn't take what was going on in the office anymore. It is coming to the point where I am actually becoming used to seeing people with tears in their eyes and red faces. It is such a regular part of my day that until writing this, I didn't think about how unacceptable that is for a work environment.
What I noticed last week while talking to my friend is that in the office there is a lot of hustling and bustling going on among the administration but no real progress is being made. Its not uncommon to see someone with cheap stilettos and false eyelashes speed walking down the hallways while holding papers and complaining. Everyone in the office is so busy going somewhere yet no one knows where they are going. We don't work in Donald Trump's tower. There are only 8 offices in the suite. Walking to the office next door shouldn't require you to break out into a sweat because you are moving so fast. Trying to look important must be a really hard job.
What has occurred as a result of the crappy disposition of some of the women in the office is that financially the office is beginning to tank. Productivity is not as high and profits are not being made. They are even talking about possibly letting employees go because the revenue being generated is not sufficient. I believe that this is a direct link to how these women behave towards each other and to outsiders. No one wants to work with a person who has a nasty attitude and poor communication skills. No respectable person is going to refer clients to receive services from such a company either.
I just began reading Womenomics by Claire Shipman and Katty Kay. I am only on page 12 but it has provided me with a lot of back up for what I think about the "administrators" at my job. So far the book has provided information regarding why women are considered assets to any company and how we are natural managers. It goes on to say that we have a different managerial style than our male colleagues and that's why profits increase and businesses thrive under our leadership. So my question still lingers in the air about why the company I work for is seeing a decrease in profits when there are women in the power seats. It all leads me to believe that there are too many egos and power struggles at play in the office. During a meeting a couple of months ago, the employees were told that they needed to "check themselves" in reference to their demeanor at work. Can you imagine the head of a thriving Fortune 500 company using that vernacular at a meeting with the employees? I hardly think that Oprah Winfrey in her meetings tells her staff at Harpo, "Hey! Y'all need to check yo'selves!"
I have been working in my field for almost 12 years. In those years, I have had two managerial positions. In one of them I supervised 13 people and in the other, I directly supervised 9 people and indirectly supervised 508 employees. I learned a lot from both of those experiences and when I left I had people come to me and tell me that they appreciated my leadership. I gave them space to breathe and encouraged them to grow as professionals and human beings. I wasn't and I'm still not where I need to be in terms of perfecting my management style but I learned how to treat people with dignity while learning how to be a better person. I made many mistakes but I tried to rectify them when they were made.
I think that as women we have to learn our own power and how to use it effectively. We can't let egos and titles define us. We can leave that behavior for the men to do in the workplace. We have nurturing spirits which can be used to make any work situation profitable. I often look at the women I work with and I am completely turned off. I am always looking for strong women who I can learn something from and form business relationships. Sad to say at this job, I can't do that with anyone in administration. I have voiced my opinion several times and I have tried to make the work environment better. Instead of gratitude, I was provided with sarcastic remarks and immature comments. So my part is done. I am still looking for a new job and hopefully it will be delivered soon. Until then I will just sit back and observe the silliness while consoling my co-workers who can't speak up for themselves. I just wish that the women in that office could do better. Not for the company but for themselves.

Saturday, June 12, 2010

Ugh.

This week I went grocery shopping and overspent. Ok. The fact that I overspent has nothing to do with this blog topic but I'm still pissed about it. Anyway, I like to cook. Every week, I pick a new recipe and try it out. Sometimes they work and sometimes they don't but I always have to try. This week's recipe was Peppery Fish Chowder. I gathered all of the fresh vegetables and spices needed to make the dish and the recipe called for a "tough fish" such as tuna, halibut or red snapper. So I went to the seafood section and decided to get a pound of red snapper. It sounded like an exciting kind of fish, so I went for it. The man behind the counter held up the fish to show me what he had and to see if I approved. I didn't approve. I'm sure a blank stare came across my face when I saw that piece of fish. His small fish eyes were looking straight at me and his mouth was open as if he was thirsty for some of the vitamin water I had in my cart. I'm sure I must have blinked a couple of times and then I asked the killer- uh I mean the man behind the counter to cut the head and tail off of the fish. He smirked but seemed annoyed at my request. When he was done, I reluctantly took the fish and placed it in my cart.
Today, I decided to cook my chowder. The broth came out spicy and very flavorful. It was so good that I decided that I would take some to my parent's house because I knew my Dad would love it. The recipe instructed me to wait for the last 30 minutes of cooking to place the fish inside of the chowder along with fresh parsley. So I grabbed my fish, unwrapped it and...screamed on the inside. I looked at the fish, which had a beautiful blend of gray, pink and red colored skin and I admired it. I was grateful that the man behind the counter removed the head and tail but when I looked at one end of the fish, the teeth were still in it's mouth. Ugh. I tried to shake off what I was feeling and grabbed a knife. I placed the blade on the fish several times and then I finally went for it. I convinced myself that Anthony Bourdain does this every day so why couldn't I? So, I pressed harder but the knife could not cut the fish. Instead it began to remove the scales one my one and then I discovered that red snapper is actually very bony. There was a huge bone running down the center of the fish. I tried several times to cut through but I ended up chopping the fish into pieces that didn't make any sense. After about 20 minutes of trying to cut the fish, I gave up. My heart couldn't do it and I had to throw it away. I know that someone in another place could have used that fish but I had to get rid of it.
I felt like the other side of my personality stepped in at that moment. I think I may have turned into some fish activist for those 20 minutes. I contemplated looking online to see if there were any groups against red snapper fishing that I could join. I just kept thinking that the fish I was hacking into used to be a beautiful member of the aquatic ecosystem and I was responsible for his demise. I will never attempt to cook red snapper again. I'm not making the decision not to eat fish but I know that hacking into flesh is not for me. I now have a slow cooker full of delicious, spicy sauce and no fish to put in it. Maybe I can add chicken to my dish. At least I know when I buy it, the head won't be attached. I don't think.

Sunday, May 23, 2010

The Metaphor for Life


I've been doing Bikram Yoga for about 5 years now. Bikram Yoga is a form of hatha yoga which is practiced in a heated room with a temperature somewhere between 105-111 degrees. There are 26 asanas (postures) and the class lasts for an hour an a half. I fell in love with doing yoga from the moment I started. Today I followed my Sunday ritual and went to the 10am class. When I got to the class, I was truly grateful for being there. I said my silent prayer of gratitude and asked God to guide me and help me in whatever struggles I may encounter in the class and in life as a whole.
The class today seemed hotter than usual to me. I struggled through the last 1/2 hour of the class and tried to push myself as much as I could. At some points during the class I became antsy and I felt like screaming because I was panicking inside. It was a very weird feeling for me. So I tried to gather my thoughts and had to talk myself into becoming calm again. One of my favorite poses is the ustrasana/camel pose. This pose can be very difficult for people and has been known to provide an emotional release for individuals during the class. Many people cry and often have inexplicable feelings during this pose. I have to be honest and say that before I did this pose, I hesitated a little. I didn't know if I could handle it. So I said I would try the first set and I did. I went into my pose and when I expected that I was going to break my posture, I kept pushing back until I got it. That one time took so much out of me that I could not do the second set but oddly enough I was pleased with myself for managing to do the first one. After this effort, the class was almost over and I made it through.
In the locker area, some participants will sit by the water cooler to compose themselves. I took my usual seat on the wooden floor and tried again to gather myself. One by one people came into the room and began to talk. They were all saying that they felt as though the class was more difficult this time. One lady who was sitting next to me stated that she felt herself becoming anxious inside during the last part of the class. Thank God! Just when I began to feel as if I was going crazy, someone confirmed that I wasn't. It seemed that all of us were feeling the same emotions inside but we kept pushing just to get through. That's when I truly realized that yoga is a metaphor for life.
In life, we all get to points where we are exhausted and even driven to the point of tears. We all have to make the decision to either push through it or give up. As with some of the poses, that's what has to happen in yoga. Some poses in yoga I love to do and some I absolutely despise. The same with life. There are some experiences that I love and some that I don't like at all. In both areas of my life, I choose to fight through them despite what the outcome may be. There are times when I think I am going to pass out in yoga class (literally) but I don't. There are times in life when I feel that I am going to pass out from exhaustion, but I don't. The good thing is that I keep going back to yoga class because of the way I feel after the experience not during it. Unfortunately, when this life is over, I can't choose to come back to this experience because I liked it so much. So i have no choice but to enjoy it now, which I do. The thing is that I have to remember to keep pushing through the hard times and when they are over, I will feel better and renewed. What I also realized is that during class there are some people who have great strength and flexibility in their poses and there are others who have to still try very hard to manipulate their bodies to get into certain postures. In the end when we were talking we all experienced the same feelings but we didn't even know it. We are all different in some ways but we are more alike in others. The commonality is that we all kept pushing.
I am somewhere in the middle with my yoga practice. In some areas I am strong and in some areas I am weak. All I know is that I will keep trying my postures until I get them the right way and how I want them. This same philosophy applies to my life as well.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Do Unto Others

I was speaking with a good friend of mine today and we had a lengthy discussion about various topics. I like speaking with this friend because I always walk away feeling more purposeful and strengthened after our conversations. At one particular moment during our talk the proverbial light bulb went off in my head which provided me with a lot of clarity pertaining to one of my patterns of behavior.
Someone I know is struggling with a life issue. This struggle has been going on for many years and the person seems like they are in a lot of despair about it. In my relationships with many people, I try to serve as a support system. I listen to their issues and try to problem solve with them and help them see how they can possibly make situations better. With this particular person I have tried to offer encouragement, resources and have even offered my own time to try and assist in any way I can. Every time I offer something, this person responds with an endless string of negative and sarcastic remarks. Deep inside I know that these responses are a part of this person's defense mechanisms but I'm a little annoyed.
This person asks me for help and then doesn't want to accept any guidance. My question is: why complain? I think the remarks that I receive in return for my suggestions are quite insulting but as I mentioned earlier during my conversation today the solution hit me: I need to stop offering guidance and advice to this individual. Its obvious that the person wants to complain but does not really want to accept help at this time and to be honest, I don't need this shit right now. I have my own life to live and I have my own goals I'm going to reach. The energy that I am pouring into this person is not doing me any good. After a year of encouragement, if this individual can't change their negative thinking, there is nothing more I can do to help. I have mentioned in posts before that I am tired. I am also tired of people wasting my time.
So with that being said, I have decided to take that 10% of energy that I was focusing on that person and redirect it to myself. I try to follow the golden rule and I try to provide stability and support for those who I think need it. Unfortunately, if someone insists on being negative I have to back away because eventually their negativity will rub off on me and like I said before I don't need this shit right now.